I made it to all three hours of church today. That really is quite an accomplishment for me lately. I use to love church, and still do, but working late and sometimes even having to work on Sunday made it pretty hard to get there all of the time. I figured though that if we are going to make it through these new "changes" in our life we need to get to where we can get the help that the Lord wants us to have. So off to church we go.
It was different waking up and not having someone laying in bed and feeling that jealousy of wanting to be laying there in bed also. The feelings that I have had in the past were not there and it was actually nice. Even though I had to get the kids ready for church by myself, the atmosphere was just different.
So we got to church and I was not expecting Kayden or Koy to go to Primary or Nursery but they went! Kayden didn't even cry and he stayed the whole time. I am so proud of him. We got home and he said that he loved his primary teachers and he loved Primary.
One things that kept coming was prayer and attend the temple. Those are two things that I really need to work on. This week I will work on saying my prayers everyday to seek the strength that I need from my Heavenly Father.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Good Dose of Reality
This is not going to be a poor me post because I really honestly feel like what Josh and I have decided to do is the right thing. It probably should have happened earlier than it did, but it didn't and we are facing the reality of things now. I can only speak for myself about this but I know that my biggest issue was fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being hurt, fear of not being able to financially make ends meet. But as things became clearer and clearer that fear started to go away for me. This decision that has been made has been hard, but it has been made after months of thinking and wondering and praying about what needed to be done. I feel like the lack of fear is a confirmation that this is right. I know that everything will be alright.
My biggest heart ache right now is the kids. I feel like I have taken something away from them and from Josh and that I am the one to blame. I don't want them to hurt, but I know that they will I just want to be able to protect them. I know that the kids mean the world to Josh and I know how much they love him this then makes me feel selfish in this decision. Like I am thinking more of myself than the others in my life that I should be thinking of.
Why do I feel like on one hand this is right and then on the other hand I am being selfish. Some days I just want to give in and take it all back. But I don't want to go back to how it was and the feelings and emotions that come along with it. My thoughts and longing for is for something that wasn't there. Life was better in my dreams than in reality.
I hope that I will be able to give my kids the opportunities that they need. The chance to participate in things and that others will assist me in being able to provide this for them.
I am sure that I am not making any sense and just rambling on. Let's just hope that my thinking will clear up soon so that I can be the best mom I can in a time when it is hard to do anything at all.
My biggest heart ache right now is the kids. I feel like I have taken something away from them and from Josh and that I am the one to blame. I don't want them to hurt, but I know that they will I just want to be able to protect them. I know that the kids mean the world to Josh and I know how much they love him this then makes me feel selfish in this decision. Like I am thinking more of myself than the others in my life that I should be thinking of.
Why do I feel like on one hand this is right and then on the other hand I am being selfish. Some days I just want to give in and take it all back. But I don't want to go back to how it was and the feelings and emotions that come along with it. My thoughts and longing for is for something that wasn't there. Life was better in my dreams than in reality.
I hope that I will be able to give my kids the opportunities that they need. The chance to participate in things and that others will assist me in being able to provide this for them.
I am sure that I am not making any sense and just rambling on. Let's just hope that my thinking will clear up soon so that I can be the best mom I can in a time when it is hard to do anything at all.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Changes
There will be many changes happening at the Gale household in the next few weeks. I have changed out the picture at the top because of these changes. Decisions had to be made and they were very hard but we have made them.
Many things have gone on in mine and Josh's relationship and it has brought us to the point where we have been fighting all of the time. We have decided that it would be best if we were no longer togather. I have struggled with this for a long time mainly because of our kids, but it is also because of our kids that we have made this decision.
I love Josh with all my heart but things have just come to a point where it is too much. Bi-polar is a hard thing to live with both for him and for others in the relationship. It is a real illness and should never be overlooked. But it is not an excuse for certain actions. I am definately not an easy person to live with either and I do play a part in the equation. I don't want to air dirty laundry and I don't want to say anything that will diminish the way the kids look toward their father. So I ask that we take the advice of Thumper in the movie Bambi and that is "if we can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" to heart when our kids are around.
If it takes me longer to post things you will know why but also in preparation for some venting that may come this way.
Many things have gone on in mine and Josh's relationship and it has brought us to the point where we have been fighting all of the time. We have decided that it would be best if we were no longer togather. I have struggled with this for a long time mainly because of our kids, but it is also because of our kids that we have made this decision.
I love Josh with all my heart but things have just come to a point where it is too much. Bi-polar is a hard thing to live with both for him and for others in the relationship. It is a real illness and should never be overlooked. But it is not an excuse for certain actions. I am definately not an easy person to live with either and I do play a part in the equation. I don't want to air dirty laundry and I don't want to say anything that will diminish the way the kids look toward their father. So I ask that we take the advice of Thumper in the movie Bambi and that is "if we can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" to heart when our kids are around.
If it takes me longer to post things you will know why but also in preparation for some venting that may come this way.
Monday, March 9, 2009
How Do You Handle It
I was approached today by someone who is pregnant and she has discovered that there are some birth defects that her baby will have with his heart and with his kidneys. She asked me how you handle it, how do you handle getting news about your child. I have thought about that all day. What words of advice do I give this girl. She was told that her baby will stop growing between 26 and 28 weeks and will only weigh between 1 and 3 pounds at birth because of this heart defect. So, how do you handle?
It is very hard at first. I remember sitting in the hospital room at Primary Childrens as Dr. Nelson (one of the best nephrologists around) told us about the diagnosis that Kayden had. Hypoplastic Kidneys. His kidney stopped growing in utero at around 20-23 weeks along. His kidneys were only 2 and 2.5 cm compared to 5 cm for a normal full term baby. His kidneys were not functioning at full capacity at the time. We needed to get him hydrated and on the right food and measure everything that he was taking into his body and out of his body. I remember sitting there and just looking at the doctor. No reaction. Just taking in all the information but not really believing what was being said. My son looked just fine, besides being small. Now I look back at those pictures and I see how sick my baby was. I remember telling people the first day or so after we found out what was wrong that he may need a transplant, but that soon changed to he WILL need a transplant. The main goal at that time was to get him to be big enough for the transplant so that we could go directly to that option without having to put him on dialysis. Basically, we needed to get him to survive and live until he could get a functioning kidney because the ones that he had sucked.
So how do you tell this girl how you handle it? Do I tell her that there were many nights that I just sat and cried because I didn't know what was going to happen with my baby. That I gave him life but that he could die at any time. That I broke down many times because he wouldn't drink the one ounce of his bottle that he needed to take that hour, or the times that I had to shove that NG tube down his throat and he would gag and try to throw it up. The many decisions of having a NG tube, a g-tube and finally a GJ tube inserted. Do I tell her about all the meds that he had to take or the growth hormone shots that I had to give him and the epogen shots that he freaked out about getting. The many nights of waking up and finding him laying in his food because his pump decided to feed the bed and not him that night. The many nights of waking up and finding that he had thrown up blood during the night because he had wretched so hard so often that he gave himself a hernia. The tests that had to be done, the gagging that he did because of his not wanting to eat, the feeding pumps, the doctor appointments and many other things that made life so hard for 4 years.
I am going to tell her this.....that no matter what, that is your child and you love him with all of your heart. You be his advocate, you do what you know is right and best for your child. You look at your child and you fall in love. You take whatever happens and you go on and you do it. You be strong and you do what you need to for your child. You were given the greatest gift ever and that was to have a child that depends on you so much for so many things. You will have a bond with that child that is indescribable (not saying that there is not a bond with the other children that you have it is just different) and you will be blessed beyond measure.
I never thought that in a million years I would have to give anyone a shot, let alone my own child, but I did. I inserted NG tubes and I have inserted G-tubes. I have watched my child come out of a surgery where he received the greatest gift of all and I did it because he was my child. I would take his place and do it for him if I could, but I can't and the only thing that I can do is to be the best mom to him that Heavenly Father wants me to be. He entrusted me with this little child for a reason and I am not going to let my Heavenly Father down or my child down.
It is very hard at first. I remember sitting in the hospital room at Primary Childrens as Dr. Nelson (one of the best nephrologists around) told us about the diagnosis that Kayden had. Hypoplastic Kidneys. His kidney stopped growing in utero at around 20-23 weeks along. His kidneys were only 2 and 2.5 cm compared to 5 cm for a normal full term baby. His kidneys were not functioning at full capacity at the time. We needed to get him hydrated and on the right food and measure everything that he was taking into his body and out of his body. I remember sitting there and just looking at the doctor. No reaction. Just taking in all the information but not really believing what was being said. My son looked just fine, besides being small. Now I look back at those pictures and I see how sick my baby was. I remember telling people the first day or so after we found out what was wrong that he may need a transplant, but that soon changed to he WILL need a transplant. The main goal at that time was to get him to be big enough for the transplant so that we could go directly to that option without having to put him on dialysis. Basically, we needed to get him to survive and live until he could get a functioning kidney because the ones that he had sucked.
So how do you tell this girl how you handle it? Do I tell her that there were many nights that I just sat and cried because I didn't know what was going to happen with my baby. That I gave him life but that he could die at any time. That I broke down many times because he wouldn't drink the one ounce of his bottle that he needed to take that hour, or the times that I had to shove that NG tube down his throat and he would gag and try to throw it up. The many decisions of having a NG tube, a g-tube and finally a GJ tube inserted. Do I tell her about all the meds that he had to take or the growth hormone shots that I had to give him and the epogen shots that he freaked out about getting. The many nights of waking up and finding him laying in his food because his pump decided to feed the bed and not him that night. The many nights of waking up and finding that he had thrown up blood during the night because he had wretched so hard so often that he gave himself a hernia. The tests that had to be done, the gagging that he did because of his not wanting to eat, the feeding pumps, the doctor appointments and many other things that made life so hard for 4 years.
I am going to tell her this.....that no matter what, that is your child and you love him with all of your heart. You be his advocate, you do what you know is right and best for your child. You look at your child and you fall in love. You take whatever happens and you go on and you do it. You be strong and you do what you need to for your child. You were given the greatest gift ever and that was to have a child that depends on you so much for so many things. You will have a bond with that child that is indescribable (not saying that there is not a bond with the other children that you have it is just different) and you will be blessed beyond measure.
I never thought that in a million years I would have to give anyone a shot, let alone my own child, but I did. I inserted NG tubes and I have inserted G-tubes. I have watched my child come out of a surgery where he received the greatest gift of all and I did it because he was my child. I would take his place and do it for him if I could, but I can't and the only thing that I can do is to be the best mom to him that Heavenly Father wants me to be. He entrusted me with this little child for a reason and I am not going to let my Heavenly Father down or my child down.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Celine Dion Concert
Yes, I am a little late posting this but hey that is the story of my life.
Last week me and Nicky, my sister, had the awesome experience of attending the Celine Dion concert. We had been waiting for this concert for over a year. She had gotten me tickets for Christmas last year! The concert was originally scheduled for November 22 but Celine Dion decided that she needed to be sick and had to postpone the concert until February 22. But the day finally arrived and we were prepared.
We rode in on trax so that we wouldn't have to fight the traffic. When we got there it was a mad house inside the ESA, everyone trying to buy memorabilia and food. We got ourselves some food and then went to our seats. We did have nose bleed seats, but we had a great view of the jumbo tron and we were still able to see her on the floor which was pretty cool.
I am a huge Celine Dion fan. I have every one of her English records and she is just awesome. To actually see her in person was just amazing. She has the most beautiful voice and she can belt things out with little effort. She also looks AMAZING! She sang The Power of Love, which reminds me of high school and going to lunch my sophomore year with my friends and cruising around in my friends car that we nicknamed the yacht because it was so big. She also sang Because You Loved me from the movie Up Close and Personal which is my all time favorite movie and song and the finale song was My Heart Will Go One off of Titanic which is another all time favorite movie and song. There is nothing better than to hear her sing that song in person. She has a true love of singing and she put so much emotion into it. To her it is more than a job and she shows it in every song that she sings.
Thanks Nicky for the tickets and thanks for going with me!
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