This is not going to be a poor me post because I really honestly feel like what Josh and I have decided to do is the right thing. It probably should have happened earlier than it did, but it didn't and we are facing the reality of things now. I can only speak for myself about this but I know that my biggest issue was fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being hurt, fear of not being able to financially make ends meet. But as things became clearer and clearer that fear started to go away for me. This decision that has been made has been hard, but it has been made after months of thinking and wondering and praying about what needed to be done. I feel like the lack of fear is a confirmation that this is right. I know that everything will be alright.
My biggest heart ache right now is the kids. I feel like I have taken something away from them and from Josh and that I am the one to blame. I don't want them to hurt, but I know that they will I just want to be able to protect them. I know that the kids mean the world to Josh and I know how much they love him this then makes me feel selfish in this decision. Like I am thinking more of myself than the others in my life that I should be thinking of.
Why do I feel like on one hand this is right and then on the other hand I am being selfish. Some days I just want to give in and take it all back. But I don't want to go back to how it was and the feelings and emotions that come along with it. My thoughts and longing for is for something that wasn't there. Life was better in my dreams than in reality.
I hope that I will be able to give my kids the opportunities that they need. The chance to participate in things and that others will assist me in being able to provide this for them.
I am sure that I am not making any sense and just rambling on. Let's just hope that my thinking will clear up soon so that I can be the best mom I can in a time when it is hard to do anything at all.
2 comments:
You are a very good mother, and doing the right thing for mom and dad means it is the right thing for the kids. We all know that sometimes we all love things that aren't exactly good for us. I love chocolate but I can't eat it as much as I would like, even though I love it. It isn't good for me. It might be hard for someone to keep it away from me, but it is best if they do. Parents need to look at the picture from a distance, even though it is difficult. The kids will be able to see what is really important because of your example for them. There are people here to help so they don't miss out on things. We just need to know what help is needed. They still deserve to run and play, learn skills, etc. We will be there to help make sure they don't miss out on that. It will get better for everyone. Please let us know what help you need.
Tammy, as a mother, we are always thinking of our kids first. The reason you feel selfish is that you know while this is easier for you, it might be difficult for them. But that doesnt mean it isn't the right decision. I truly believe that the Lord does not want you to be unhappy. And I also believe that even though it might be hard for them, in the long run, what is best for you will also be best for them. You know you are doing the right thing, so just trust the answer you have received and know that the Lord will take care of you and your children. You are strong and you can make it through this!
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