GAG

I am so irritated and bugged right now that I don't even know what to do. So I am asking for advice from anyone who reads this.

I read the First Presidency's message in the October Ensign and I feel that it was precisely directed at me and my family. Not my husband or my children, but my sisters and my brother. I am sure that I will make waves with this post, but I am tired of the back biting and the ill feelings that are going on and feel like something needs to be said and get the stupid elephant out of the dang room.

I have been told by those in my family that we really just need to talk about things and get it out and done with and then move on. I feel like I have done that. I have stated that I do not have hard feelings toward anyone but I feel like I have talked to Nancy and we have worked out our most recent issues. I feel like there are things that need to be worked on with Nicky, but I don't have hard feelings toward her and know that she is working on making her life better. I feel like she knows what things I feel are unacceptable and she knows if she wants to work on those things or not. She needs to make things in her life better for her not for anyone else. As soon as she is happy with herself and her life then she will be able to look at life in a different way and be able to fully give what she is able to give to those around her. I do not hold any hard feelings against my brother in any sort of way but this is where I am not sure and feel like there is a huge elephant in the room. I don't know what more I can do. I feel like there are unobtainable expectations that I will never reach in order to have a relationship with him or his family. I don't know what to do or how to change it.

I feel like no matter what I do I will fail. It will always be the wrong thing no matter. The way that it is looked at will always be from one of "you don't meet my standards" so I will not accept anything that you do or try to do in order to fix a relationship.

Today has really shown me the true intentions of people and how mean and judgmental people can  be simply to be mean. They put forth an image of being so great but yet to others in their family they treat them like crap. I found out that I was an aunt again today. My brother adopted a baby today. The papers were signed today and they wanted to "share" their new with everyone. Well that everyone was everyone on their facebook page, which me and my sisters and my parents are not a part of because my brother's wife does not want to be friends with us. So this great new that should have been a very fun and exciting news was not very fun and exciting when we have to find out from other family members about the occasion and my brother cannot even send me a text or anything to let me know that this happened. I am so happy for him and his family about being able to have another baby that they so desperately want, but I also hurt because of the pissy relationship that he has with us because of judging and other feelings from those around him which in turn effects relationships with his sisters and parents.

I have been supportive and have attended family functions that have not always been comfortable. I know that there are not so kind feelings about my husband. I know that there are not so kind feeling about my family and things that we have been able to accomplish because of struggles that we have been met with. I know this and still I am supportive because he is my brother. He is my only brother. I want my kids to love and care for each other and I don't want them to hate each other when they get older, but I feel like I am not able to have a relationship with my brother. I feel like it is o.k for some but not for others to have a relationship with family members.

I want more than anything to have this feeling go away. I don't want to have these feeling toward my brother, but I am so tired of being judged and looked at in a "greater than thou" type judgement. I feel like my brother should love me and support me in any decision that I make because I do the same for him. I just don't feel like me or my sisters or my parents are ever given a fair share. I think it is time to stand up for myself and my family and say I am not going to put up with this judging anymore. I am taking a stand and I am not going to be judged anymore. I am not going to stoop to their level and act the same way they do. I am going to be the bigger person.

I am going to really take President Uchtdorf's message and try and get things taken care of in my family. I am going to pray for this anger and hate to go away and that my heart will soften and that I will not be so offended and hurt like I am. It will take some time, but as long as I get to where I need to be then they will have to answer for their own actions.