Update and Loneliness

I wanted to update about what has been going on with us. Last Saturday our Stake had a super temple day and there were activities for everybody centered around the temple. I was able to go through a session while the nursery watched my kids and the primary did activities for the kids. Lexi got her picture taken with the Manti Temple in the background. We got two pictures so we sent one to Josh. She also got to walk around on the temple grounds and go into the visitor center and other things around the temple and then they met with the nursery kids at the church until the session was done. Kayden and Koy were in the nursery but they had a lesson for the older kids about the temple and they made a temple out of clay (with help of course) and they got to color pictures and make a necklace. Kayden loved it and kept talking about the temple. Koy didn't really care as long as he could walk around and play without getting tackled from Kayden he was happy. I really enjoy going to the Manti Temple. It is a beautiful temple and the session is performed live and not a movie so you get to move through the different rooms. I is one of two live performance temples in the world so if you ever want to attend it truly is different.

There was a free Collin Raye concert hosted here in Huntington. There were a lot of people that attended and it was really fun. Me, Nicky, Lexi and Koy went to it. Kayden does not like crowds so he stayed home and watched football and bull riding with my parents.

Kayden had his clinic visit this last Monday and things are going great with his kidneys. They did hear a heart murmur for the first time so a echocardiogram was prescribed and scheduled. We will be having that done on October 2 and then clinic again on October 15.

The past few days I have been really hard. Josh has been gone for 43 days and we still have many days ahead of us. I really miss him. It is hard to be with the kids all the time and to take on all of that stress by myself. I do have help from time to time with my parents, but I shoulder a lot of the responsibility. I would love to be able to go and do something for me for once. But then again even doing that wouldn't be fun because my husband is still gone and I don't have any money to do anything with. I do have 20 hours during the week that I work, but I am working not doing something that I want to do for me. I also clean floors once a week early in the morning to help even more. I am up around 6:30 every morning and I don't get to sleep until around 11:00 every night and I don't have a husband to lay next to or to help with the kids or even to hear them say that they love me.

I get asked how I am doing and today I am really down. I don't want to be this strong person anymore. I want to let someone else take on all the responsibility. I want to go and pamper myself because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I have done more than what I am suppose to be doing. It is hard being mom, dad, friend, bread winner, therapist, emotional support, doctor, all in one. I want someone for once to say "Tammy, you have done so well, here go and get some sleep and I will watch your kids." or "Tammy, it really sucks what you are going through I am going to come and watch your kids so that you can do whatever it is you want to do." I don't get that opportunity. From the moment I get up in the morning I am thinking of somebody other than myself.

I have not been able to do anything I enjoy for I don't know how long. I want to sit down and do some scrapbooking, I want to cut fabric and make a blanket, I want to get a full nights sleep. I get a lot of help from my parents and I am really thankful for what they do but there are just times when I don't want to burden them with having to take care of my kids. They need time away from them also.

I guess I just want to know that others notice. I want to know that people do care about what I am going through and that they truly are willing to sacrifice and help me if needed. I really do want to know that I am not being selfish if I want to do something for me, I don't know what I would do but at least knowing that others think about me and care about how I feel would be nice. It is hard not having that emotional support from a husband. I don't get to talk to him on the phone everyday or email him. I get to talk to him every other day and lately it has been for maybe 5 minutes.

I wish that I had that husband here who would take the kids for the afternoon so that I could scrapbook or sew. I wish that I had a husband here who will tell me how good of a job I am doing everyday or to cook dinner tonight because I have been busy all day long or that I had a husband here to help me clean the house or to have a husband here to have to put up with the crying of babies or to have a husband here to help while the kids have colds or theething. I just hope that others will be able to look at my situation and be happy for what they have. To be able to have a husband at home with you every night who loves you and will cook dinner for you and pamper you and help with the kids and be supportive of you that is something that can be gone in an instant and you should be so thankful that your somebody is there and not take advantage of them. I have been guilty of that in the past. I took advantage of my husband being there and there were times when I wasn't the nicest to him but I have had to change the way I look at things now and I will not take him for granted any longer. I will show him everyday when he gets back how thankful I am to have him here and to know that he loves me.

Sorry for the rambling and the pity party, but I just have been pretty down today.