Catch Up and Feeling Down

Things have been so crazy around here. I have been running all over the place and barely have time to even think.

Last weekend I was planning on going to Provo to do some Christmas shopping but it snowed and I did not want to drive through the canyon in the snow. So the plan is to go up this weekend and attend a family Christmas party and then go shopping. Well it is suppose to snow again and there is a funeral that my parents need to attend so my alone time to go shopping may be put on hold once again. Hopefully I can work something out so that I can get the stuff done that I need to for Christmas. It is really hard to go Christmas shopping when you have to take 3 little kids with you everywhere you go. But I will make adjustments and maybe take a day during the week and go shopping who knows. I do know that I am not just going to go to the Walmart in Price because they don't have anything that I need.

I have a fear that when people watch my kids my parenting skills, or lack thereof, will be judged and people will think that my kids are the most misbehaved horrible kids in the world. It is so much easier for me to deal with my kids than to worry about what others are thinking about and judging me on. I know that it is very possible that doesn't really happen, but I always think the worse when it comes to things like that. I know that I don't think that about other peoples kids so I am sure that they don't think that about mine, it is just an insecurity that I have. I feel like people think I am very selfish to leave my kids with someone so that I can do something that I want to do which is why I have done nothing for the past 4 months that I want to do. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but I really would like to be able to go into a store and look at what I want to look at and take my time and not have to worry about getting kids out of the car or making sure that they don't scream or fighting with them in the store about things that I am not getting for them. I would love to go into a book store and be able to just look or to go to a scrapbook store and just look and take my time and not worry about what my kids are grabbing off the shelf. I would love to do something for me and not have to worry about getting home at a certain time and knowing that I am not being judged and that I am o.k. to do what I want to do. For me that would be like heaven these days. I am crying just thinking about it. It really sucks not have my hubby here to take the kids and allow me to get things done that I need to, not only for me but also to get things picked up around the house that my kids just make a mess of all of the time.

So now that I am done with my pity party, I have to go and get Kayden ready for school and try to clean up most of the house while Koy is sleeping. Wish me luck!