Thinking Back

Things have been mentioned about using a blog as a way to journal and remember things that happened in your life. I bought a book a few years ago, o.k. so over 5 years ago, that is a journaling book and it gives you things to think about and to journal about and to help you remember things that are going on in your life and so on. I was thinking today that I should sit down and write a little bit every day using this book as a guideline. I was also thinking that if anyone wanted to join in on the journaling on your own blogs that would be great with me. I will post a journaling question or thought on my blog everyday and those who want to join in can. Now, if some of you are like me, then there are some things that you won't want to put out there for all to see . I have some things that I don't want my parents to know about, sorry mom, or that I don't want my daughter to know about right now, but I want to write them down and remember the feelings, thoughts and experiences that went along with it. If this is the case then you can either write it down in a private journal or start another blog that is private that only you can access but write the memories down because some day somebody will want to know. (Believe me when I say that I will want to be long gone before some people read some of my thoughts and experiences.) So here is my attempt for today and I will post a thought or question at the end of my post.

As the end of September draws near and the boys birthday draw closer I get thinking about life and what was going on when each one was born and it brings back SO many memories. I know that everyone remembers when their babies were born and where they were what they were doing and how the day went.

What I have been thinking about lately is that Kayden was 2 years old when I had Koy. This would make it that Koy is the same age now that Kayden was when I had Koy. When I think of Kayden being that age I don't really see him as being the same size as Koy is right now Koy is definately bigger, taller and stockier. Kayden wasn't walking at the time and he was on a feeding pump. He had just had surgery to repair his hiatal hernia and we were preparing for transplant. I sit and think to myself that I must have been CRAZY! So much was going on in my life at that time I am so amazed that I made it through. It is no wonder Josh went crazy!

I think about all that Koy is doing eating, running, walking, talking, getting into everything and keeping me on my toes all day and then I think about what Kayden was doing at that time. His kidneys were failing, he wasn't walking, barely talking (remember fuffy meant spongebob) recently gone through surgery for his hernia repair. We were chunking him up with additional calories so that we would be chunky for transplant since they usually need some reserves for the recovery. I was looking back at some pictures of Kayden on transplant day and he looked so big and so healthy but yet what I remember him as being is a little skinny boy who I had to carry everywhere while I was 9 months pregnant he was hooked up a feeding pump and was a sick little boy. I was busy giving him growth hormone injections, many different medications different times a day and epogen injections.

I also just started pre-term labor and I was MISERABLE. I wanted to have this baby even though he was early because the sooner I had this baby the sooner my other child could get his transplant. I was so torn because I wanted Koy to be healthy and I knew that the longer he stayed in the better chance that he had but I also knew that the sooner we could get Kayden his transplant the healthier he would be also. It was all a matter of time and it wasn't on my time. It was somebody else's time that I was waiting on and I had nothing to do with it. Looking back now I can see how everything was done at the right time but at the time I was hating everything.

So to start this new journaling we will start with this question: What's something you never thought you'd experience but have?

My answer to this is that I never in a million years thought that I would have to deal with things like injections, g-tubes, NG tubes, feeding pumps, inspecting poop, keeping track of urine output, seeing my child be so sick for so long. I know things about kidney's that I never even knew. If you don't have a working kidney there are so many things that can go wrong that I had no clue about. I never thought that I would have to hold my child down on a regular basis so that they could draw his blood to make sure that his kidneys were working or hold him down so that they could put a catheter in him to make sure that he didn't have a urinary tract infection.

I also never thought that I would have to admit my husband into a hospital so that he could get the help that he needed in order to get his mind healthy again. I also never thought that I would have to take care of my kids for 6 months by myself while my husband was incarcerated because of things he did while not in his right mind. I have been through a lot the last 2 years, but I wouldn't change a thing because it has made me a better person and it has me the person that I am today. I am stronger, my faith in the Lord is stronger, my love for my husband is stronger and my love for my kids is stronger.

So what are your thoughts?